i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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