every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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