I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
