Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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