Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
