Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
