girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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