chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
