i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
