we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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