I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
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I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
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Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
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