There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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