i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
