I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
