That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
