Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My feet surprised me
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