Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
