So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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