I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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