When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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