one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
