Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
