I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
