Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
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If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
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I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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