Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Randomize
