connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
