someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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