i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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