just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
