Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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