he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
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