He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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