im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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