I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
