You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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