how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Randomize
