Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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