Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
