the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize