6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
