THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
