i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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