i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
