from now on my penis is your penis
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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