at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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