don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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