I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
