I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
