My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
