I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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