I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
