I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
