I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
