This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
