i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
