im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
