so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
