I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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