dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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