my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
