she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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