we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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