I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
