I need to stop coming to work sober
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
